Hope is a Four Letter Word
by Kolbie Ru-Ru
Summary: This is simply a series of drabbles, one for every letter of the alphabet. Team 7-centric. [Letters A-L have been posted.]
1. Anniversary, Bitter, Counting Stars

**Notes: There are spoilers for everything (or there will be as I continue.)**

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><p><strong>A is for Anniversary (because one does not simply <strong>**_forget_****.)**

The rain pounds relentlessly, soaking through his jounin vest and the clothes underneath with ease, but Kakashi does not notice—Or, rather, he cannot bring himself to care. It's been thirteen years since he sentenced Obito to a premature death, but even now, Kakashi feels the Uchiha's accusing gaze burning holes into his shivering body, hears the mocking, sarcastic jeers, sees his teammate's broken, bleeding body crushed beneath the unforgiving earth because he'd been stupid enough to value _Kakashi's life_ above _his own_.

What is a little rain and the likely cold to follow when compared to _such_ _sacrifice_?

He buries his hands deeper into his pockets, visible eye never straying from the monument though he is far, far away by now. He is younger, less aware of the world's evils, relishing an old argument with his comrades that will only ever exist in his memories now because Kakashi is and always will be nothing more than a failure.

The Sandaime calls it Survivor's Guilt. Kakashi calls bullshit. The_ God of Shinobi_ tells him he should think himself lucky, should live on as his team's legacy, as if that's what they would _want_ him to do. Kakashi rather thinks that on this, the old man has it all wrong. Murderers don't carry on legacies, after all.

They repent.

The only reason Kakashi does not simply end his own life and join the others is because he must repent by _living_. And if ANBU missions have the highest death rates, and he just so happens to take on the most dangerous ones, well, all the better to protect the village.

It is well into the night when he finally breaks free _(butheisnevertrulyfree) _and bids his old team farewell until tomorrow, and the rain continues to pour on.

**B is for Bitter (because he cannot handle the ****_regret_****.)**

He is slumped listlessly against the gritty wall, eyes devoid of life, his informant having long abandoned him there, but Sasuke can only focus on the words _(yourbrother-ahero-sacrificedhimself-lovedyou-fornothing) _circling uselessly through his mind, unable to truly comprehend the severity of the situation, unable to _cope_ because if he—

_DON'T. Oh God, please don't_

lets himself think about it, what it all boils down to is—

_I don't want to _know_. Don't even want to _think

he killed—

_my brother. killedmybrother. _I_killed_my_brother_

his brother, his precious, precious _brother_.

_whathaveidonewhathaveidonewhathaveidonewhathaveidone_

He cannot handle the **regret**; Sasuke is many things—

_monstermonster**youmonster**_

but 'strong' has never been one of them.

_weakweakyouaresoweakandworthless_

Strong shinobi don't lose their precious people, after all.

**_weaksoweakgoodfornothing_good_for_nothing**

But if nothing else, he has the ability to turn his anger and hatred into ambition.

_whatgoodthatdidwhatgoodit'sdone_

He _will_ have his vengeance.

**C is for Counting Stars (because they've been praying _hard_.)  
><strong>

He quirks his head to the side, glances to Kakashi, looks at her, nods. The breath she'd been holding is exhaled slowly, and her own expression attempts to mirror her comrade's. It is strained, at best, fragile.

It's only fitting, however, because Team 7 is at its breaking point, too.

The blond had begun speaking as they walked along, arms waving animatedly, and their masked sensei is pretending to be absorbed in his book while, perhaps, listening attentively. She makes all the appropriate noises at the right moments, and her strained smile never wavers, even despite the constant concerned glances in her direction.

They finally reach their destination, a break in the trees that slopes down to one of the land's many rivers, and Sakura continues to smile. Her orange-clad friend drops to the grass and quickly makes himself comfortable, while her sensei is slightly more graceful about it. She kneels next to them, smiles.

Her gaze is soon drawn away from furrowed brows and up, up, up to the night sky and the endless canvas of lights. The blond sighs, and she can imagine the frown marring his tanned countenance. The air in her lungs prepares to do the same, but she slowly exhales it as any other breath. Smiles.

She hears rustling and only then graces the boy with her attention. Upon spotting the familiar, scratched metal, her chest constricts, throbs. She inhales, exhales. Smiles.

He slowly rubs his thumb over the metal plate, blue eyes dark with infinite sadness even with the thousands of stars illuminating them so. Her green gaze moves on to her sensei, lying on his back, book covering his face, feigning sleep. Always pretending.

Her eyes comb greedily over the two of them, finding solace in such a peaceful (if solemn) sight, and she smiles, smiles, smiles.

Their team had fallen to pieces, yes, but she thinks, with only a touch of melancholy and overwhelming fondness, they were never a perfect fit to begin with.

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><p><strong>AN: ****This is so random, but my need to write angst is too great. Naruto is kind of my current muse, so here we are. Obviously my other stories will take priority over this, but little 'drabbles' such as these are much easier to write. I don't withhold anything I've written if it's ready for posting, so updates will probably be rapid.  
><strong>

**Leave a review?**


	2. Drowning, Endings, Freedom

**D is for Drowning (because he is out of his _depth_.)**

_His hand rises from its default position of its own accord, fingers stretched out, reaching..._

He could do something about it if he wanted to.

He could lower his shields, drop the act, and pull them close, all the while murmuring nonsensical anecdotes and reassurances. He could speak of his own past and reveal how he cannot only sympathize, but _empathize_ with them, having lost so many of his own precious people. He could regale them with tales of Team Minato's antics, could give the boy the information he so desperately desires**—**that of his parents, of his lineage, of the _love_ he has been denied for so long but that has always been. He could tell them _both_.

He can _see_ himself doing so, nonchalantly asking them to stay a few moments longer after practice with the promise of important information. He can easily envision the skepticism on both of their faces, can hear the boy's obnoxious inquiries and the girl's wary approach. He can imagine himself eye-smiling at them before the facade breaks, and he leaves himself—his very being, his heart and soul**—**bare.

What reactions they would have. Shock. Disbelief. Anger. Pity._ Gratitude._

_...he hesitates, and the moment is gone. His hand falls to his side as their silhouettes fade in the distance._

It is because of the last possibility (and perhaps even the second-to-last as well) that he cannot bring himself to disclose anything.

He could if he wanted to.

_He turns around, slowly, and treads a different path, one leading to comrades who aren't in any position to feel anything undeserving toward a murderer._

He doesn't want to.

**E is for Endings (because everything must come to an _end_.)**

_It doesn't have to be like this_, his conscience pleads of him, desperately.

_He was out of your reach the moment he stepped foot out of this village, _his logic informs him, neutrally.

_This was always going to end in death_, his heart declares, not coldly but knowingly.

His ocean blue gaze meets obsidian, and Naruto doesn't need any of these voices to tell him something so infuriatingly simple. If he lets himself think back to all of their interactions, all of their altercations, all of their conversations, he can admit to himself that he's always known. The two of them had been within Death's pale clutches since the beginning, when two children found a distant comfort in mutual loss. Or maybe their fates had been sealed even before then, when his parents had sacrificed themselves and their son for a future Naruto is certain he will never see.

He can see, now, however, that his words will not break through his teammate's haze of misguided hatred and vengeance, not like all of the others, not even like Zabuza or Nagato. It's ironic, really, that the only person he's ever wanted to truly connect with is also the only one immune to this strange ability of his. Ironic. Sad. Not entirely unexpected.

In his heart of hearts, he realizes what must be done, and he can only hope that Sakura-chan will forgive him his (for once) empty words.

Sasuke-teme won't be coming back to the village.

...and neither will he.

**F is for Freedom (because even he can't ignore the _yearning_.)**

Free will. Free choice. Free_dom_. Free. Free. _Free._

It calls to him, quietly, anxiously, urgently, that bellowing wind with its feather-light caresses and just as light-hearted promises. _Come, my child_, It whispers, and Sasuke finds himself hard-pressed not to give into such temptation.

His will cannot be broken by such trifles, however; thus, he continues to be tethered down by his ambition, his vengeance, his duty to the village. The list extends as far as the wind reaches, over the trees and hills and beyond. His wings have been clipped since his Clan went down in flames, and Sasuke cannot be bothered to regrow them, not when his thirst for bloodshed overpowers the wind's gentle beckoning so.

He doesn't notice the weight on his shoulders, the slights on his progress, until he is shown just how far he has fallen by his closest friend, until he witnesses how he can rise again by a powerful stranger and a curse. Relinquishing the binds that hold him is easy enough; exchanging them, more so. Now that he has tasted life without such meaningless ties, he will not be dragged down by such inane things again.

Some time later, when he is free of his Sannin teacher, of his brother's machinations, of any bound duty other than his own—the destruction of the Leaf Village—he gladly embraces the mistress of the skies with _no_ amount of hesitation or uncertainty, relishing all that he has been denied. (Is it any wonder his summons are animals of this element?)

All too soon, he will be headed by yet another stranger using him for his own gain, bound on a silver chain, but as of now, he cherishes the ruffling of his obsidian mane, this overwhelming sense of _freedom,_ and he is content._  
><em>

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><p><strong>AN: Silly Sasuke. Your chakra affinity is lightning. (Or fire. Eh.)**

**Thanks to **it makes sense in context**,** Lonely Athena**,** Nyx'sWings**, and** Haipa Ookami **for reviewing and/or following!**

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><p><strong>Leave a review?<br>**


	3. Growth

**G is for Growth (because it happens to the best of us.)**

_Kakashi_

He thinks he's reached it, a higher mentality, an understanding of the world and the way that it works, when his father disgraces their family name and then carelessly leaves him to clean up the mess. There's always a lesson to be learned when concerning mistakes, he knows, and so he realizes that rules are _not_, in fact, made to be broken but to be strictly adhered to. The consequences of not doing so were made quite clear.

The world isn't done with him, however, and it takes the death of his precious teammate to make him realize that rules aren't everything and that there are some things worth protecting, no matter the cost. He vows to protect his remaining comrade and to never make the same mistake again.

Except he _does_ make the same mistake again and fails in protecting Rin while he's at it, thereby breaking both vows to his _other_ deceased comrade. The whole thing comes full circle when it's his own hand snuffing out the life of his precious person because _of course_ Kakashi will always be a failure. He grieves and rages and makes no more vows, but he does resolve to become strong enough to protect the _village_. Surely he can't screw _this_ up?

But then _of course_ he does because _of course_ his beloved sensei is the one who sacrifices his own life for the village while Kakashi sits on the sidelines and accomplishes _nothing_. By this time, there's nothing _left_ inside of him to break into a million pieces at the loss of his last important person, and Kakashi finally realizes his oversight from the very beginning. The universe hadn't been pushing him to become stronger to protect anyone else; it had been warning him that creating any such fragile bonds would only result in _deathlossgriefturmoil_.

Growth for Kakashi begins and ends in death, and he convinces himself that avoiding his sensei's son is the _best_ he can do.

_Sakura_

She isn't born with a haughty demeanor and a penchant for violence (especially toward Naruto); such things develop over time. The timid, bullied little girl transforms into a bossy, delusional fangirl, who honestly believes a life of murder and espionage is her calling, despite her childish understanding of the world and the people in it.

The mission to Wave is a rude wake-up call to her in terms of usefulness, and her only defense is that she's better than the dead-last, never mind the fact that the bridge was named after him. She's more intelligent, isn't she? And the boy is smitten with her, the way she is certain Sasuke-kun will be when he finally, really looks at her.

The harshness of reality doesn't douse her with its chilling truth until her team is hunted and beaten and battered in that godforsaken forest, and she decides that, for once, she _won't_ fall to the sidelines and let her boys down. It's _her_ turn to save them this time, and she _won't_ let her fears or exhaustion get in the way.

But it isn't until Sasuke leaves (_abandons_) her without a second thought that she truly begins to see.

Her growth is less like a flower blooming and more like an ink pot falling over, spilling out every little nuance and observation she'd made but hadn't wanted to face over the years, and she spends the next two catching up to her hot-headed teammates.

_Naruto_

Even after two years of separation, he is easily angered and quick to speak his mind. He has a way with people, a natural understanding of the human mind and emotions. Cold logic and reasoning fall on deaf ears, and _he_ reasons that the most important things in life _should_ be simple. To him, they are. Protect what's precious. Train so that he _can_.

The ruthless murder of Pervy Sage _by his own former students_ is enough to make him question his stance on _everything_, and when the Leaf Village (and everyone in it) are obliterated, he is hard pressed not to simply toss his morals to the side in favor of exacting his own revenge. He _would have_ were it not for his father. Peace is an intangible, seemingly unreachable thing. He doesn't even know where to begin or how, but he means every word he speaks. He won't ever give up.

Thus, Sasuke's quest for vengeance isn't completely lost on him but the decision to run with his tail between his legs to that snake bastard is. His resolve to bring his stubborn friend back is not to be scoffed at, but it's not until after he's been exposed to Nagato's tale and the deadened gaze of his childhood friend that his inner strength truly shows.

Naruto's growth is nearly imperceptible but certainly simple, and the fact that the decision to end Sasuke's suffering along with his own is surprising... isn't really surprising at all.

_Sasuke_

His path may stray, and he make take detours along the way. However, his growth isn't really growth at all, merely a never ending cycle of hatred and vengeance; his bloodied hands reveal as much. The Uchiha are cursed, after all.

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><p><strong>AN: There's only one letter this time because why not? Anyway, sorry this seems more 'I'm telling you what happened' rather than actual 'story' writing. I wanted this to be much... better? Regardless, I hope you enjoyed.**

**Thanks to** Lonely Athena **for reviewing!**

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><p><strong>Leave a review?<br>**


	4. Hopeless

**H is for Hopeless (because Sasuke knows _himself_.) **

Not for the first time, he wonders after stilted silences, forced smiles, and desperate glances in his direction (_tomakesurehe'sstillthere_), if he really made the right decision, siding with his old teammates and then (finally, finally) going back with them to the village. _(it'snot_home_it'llneverbe_home_)  
><em>

It had _seemed_ right, at the time. He'd decided to _change_ things for once, rather than destroy _(it'sallhe'sgoodforpainnothingbutpain)_, and he kind of needed people to be alive in order to rule them. He'd once heard "The enemy of my enemy is my friend", and while he doesn't _(won'tever)_ consider them as such, The Idiot and The Fangirl had been on the "keep people alive" side. So. It was purely tactical.

Now, however, he's thinking that maybe an eternal illusion would have been better, after all. No one would _remember_ all of the mistakes he's made, wouldn't send him furtive, suspicious glances, wouldn't hover around him 24/7 under the guise of "hanging out." ANBU wouldn't shadow him all of the time, and his chakra wouldn't be repressed.

He'd get to see his family again, would see _his brother_ again, and things would be like they were _meant _to be.

_(he wouldn't be br__oken, barely hanging on_

_and_

_comtemplating death as a release)_

He stops leaving his room, and after a while, people stop asking him to.


	5. If?

**I is for If (because different choices can always be made.)**

_"-cling to life-"_

Sasuke falls to his knees, involuntarily, as the Curse Mark recedes and the last of his strength is sapped, blood dripping from his mouth long after his sudden coughing fit. His eyes, darkened by more than just color, stare unseeingly at his unconscious _(friend__teammate__comrade) _enemy, no longer overwhelmed by a desire to _(escaperungetaway) _blindly take off in search of power. _  
><em>

_"-kill your closest friend-"_

Without the negativity that had been plaguing him since he was so brazenly marked by Orochimaru (which had been drained along with its power), without the sense of urgency he'd felt with The Idiot on his tail, Sasuke can finally analyze the situation clearly. **That Man** _murdered_ his entire Clan and even had the gall to leave _him_ alive _and_ give him advice on how to defeat him, as if Sasuke were so weak and pathetic that he couldn't possibly have been a threat otherwise.

_What did Sasuke think he was doing?_ Was there ever a guarantee that **That Man** was telling the _truth_? He'd never intended to follow **That Man's** parting words; he'd been determined to gain strength on his _own _terms, hadn't he? So what, exactly, was he doing?

_"-first bond-"_

His blurry gaze finally focuses on the blond in front of him, and he struggles to contain his

_frustration**—**How did the Loser become so strong?!_

_fury**—**How could he possibly relate to me?! How could he even _think-_?! He doesn't know _any_thing!__  
><em>

_satisfaction**—**Who's stronger now, dobe?_

_guilt**—**I didn't mean-! I didn't want-_this. _But you wouldn't _listen_!_

_shame**—**How am I any different from **him**...?_

emotions, his mask of indifference shakily falling into place, piece by piece.

He eyes a gleam of silver through the downpour and carefully picks up his discarded forehead protector, now forever tarnished with a single scratch through the village emblem. Idly running his thumb over the indention, he realizes he has to make a decision.

Sakura will no doubt have reported their altercation to the Hokage, and the team of genin sent to retrieve him clearly know of his willful participation in Orochimaru's plans. Whether or not any of them survive this night**—**and judging by the lack of pursuers, it could go either way**—**should Sasuke return to the village, he can expect ANBU guards and possible chakra repression. It's possible he could even be accused of being a spy, and if so, a trip to T & I would be in his future. Trust will be lost, and tensions will heighten.

On the other hand, Orochimaru will gladly take him in, and Sasuke is certain the sannin will be able to do all he has promised and more. He'd be able to take his revenge that much sooner, and no _bonds_ would slow him down. He wouldn't have to worry about surveillance, either, because Orochimaru is a smug, arrogant bastard, and he'd trust Sasuke to be the perfect pawn, blinded by hatred and willing to do anything to become stronger.

The choice is obvious.

_"-I love you! Please, Sasuke, take me with you-"_

It _should_ be obvious, but-

_"-those who betray their friends are worse than trash-"_

Sasuke is no coward, and-

_"-my best friend-"_

He doesn't _need_ condescending advice or promises of power in order to find true strength.


	6. Justify

**J is for Justify (because we all have our_ reasons_.)**

Sasuke (fear):

_I didn't know how to protect you, so I severed our ties before you could abandon me (...before it happened again.)_

Sakura (herself):

_Our friendship was precious to me, but I couldn't (wouldn't) let myself depend on you forever. I wanted to stand on my own two feet._

Kakashi (ideals):

_I was too blinded by my own grief to see you as my equal (as a friend), and now that my eyes are open, all that remains is a name on a stone._

Sai (apathy):

_You were my best friend and my brother, and I know that you would have approved. I finished our book the way it was meant to be - the two of us together, smiling.  
><em>

Yamato (the past):

_I was an orphan and a specimen, but now I am a mentor and a friend. Your experiment was a success, but you will _never_ reap the benefits._

Naruto (loneliness):

_You loved me, and you died for me. I have always been on my own, but now I know that I was never alone. Thank you.  
>Thank you. <em>Thank you.

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><p><strong>Notes: Thanks for all of the reviews, favs, and follows! :D<strong>


	7. Knowledge

**K is for Knowledge (because he's _learning_, even if it takes a while.)**

He's trying to change, to be something other than the last Uchiha or the avenger. They look at him and judge and pity and condemn because of these things, and he's tired of it.

Don't do anything you'd regret, they tell him, sternly, warily. Your friends are precious, and you should keep them safe, let them help you. Don't carry this burden alone.

I know, he wants to shout at them, at their condescending, knowing expressions. I know all that. I don't need you to tell me. You don't know me.

Outwardly, he scoffs, scowls, remains entirely silent because he's unwilling to give them an ounce of leverage, let them in on his struggles. Still, they watch him, watch him and wait for his inevitable fall. All the while, they assure themselves that they tried their best to avert the outcome when they only made everything so much worse.

Naruto thinks he understands, almost can because he has his own demons. Thinks they're best friends and rivals and comrades, and Sasuke thinks so, too. They're both orphans, both treated with those hated looks of pity and sadness. How are you any better? He wants to scream at them. We're fine, better than fine, alone together, and you are not above us. But in the end, Naruto is naive and has nothing substantial to miss, and they are not the same. Sasuke's hatred can be directed at a target, a living, breathing target, and he allows it to fester and consume him because he knows no other way to deal with it.

Sakura thinks they're close, that her crush might someday be reciprocated, that they are all precious to each other, and she, too, is painfully naive. She couldn't ever understand, and he wouldn't want her to. She's sweet and good and kind and weak, too weak, and he can't protect her, not from his enemies, not from pain, not from anything. She's treated with judgmental stares because no one bothers to see anything other than the little civilian girl on a team with monsters, smart but not smart enough. You don't know her, or her potential, he wants to whisper furiously. Wants to show them that she belongs with them, and at the same time wishes that she'd never been subjected to their breaking, crumbling mess of a team.

Kakashi thinks they're the same, sees himself in Sasuke, and coddles him all while keeping him from straying into darker paths. He doesn't know Kakashi's story, who he lost or how many names are on the stone he spends so many hours in front of, and the man never utters a word about it. You preach trust and friendship and leaning on each other, but you don't trust any of us with your own secrets or pain, he wants so desperately to growl at the man. How can I believe anything you say when I don't know anything about you? I can't be the only one reaching here, sensei, not when you're not willing to meet me halfway. He curls in on himself, instead, blocks out that pleading, pathetic voice. It's too late for heartfelt pleas, far, far too late.

Orochimaru is an enemy, an obstacle, and Sasuke doesn't trust him, not even as far as he could throw him. The snake is conniving, scheming, concerned only for himself and his dream of immortality, and Sasuke goes to him anyway - because, for once, here is someone he can relate to, much as he loathes to even think as much. Here is a man who was lauded as a hero as much as he was feared, held at a distance always, watched and analyzed and everyone was waiting for him to fall, to fail, and when he did, they were relieved. We saw it coming, they probably told themselves. Saw it coming and made the right choice to ostracize the man, never aware that they were the very reasons he'd defected - maybe not all of them, but certainly a good portion. He knows it without anyone ever saying as much, because he sees it in their eyes, in their hushed voices, in their it-was-a-long-time-comings and no-one-was-surpriseds.

He imagines they will say the same of him - He'd been walking a fine line. He was bound to slip up at some point. The Uchihas were prideful, and it was their downfall. It was inevitable that he would follow their footsteps.

Nevertheless, the fact remains that Orochimaru was twisted and turned into a monster, and Sasuke has no pity or sympathy to spare for the man. When the time comes, he strikes, puts an end to his life. A small mercy maybe. Certainly not revenge and more than self preservation. A kindness, perhaps, something his mentor would never do himself. Pride is a shared trait, it seems, or a disease.

He puts together a team, rag-tag, a mishmash of personalities that somehow work together - but only just so. He grows fond of them, all of them, but he has goals, ambitions and has proven time and again that he will choose them over his precious people. It's who he is, at this point, less a person and more an amalgamation of insecurities and distrust and always, always hatred. He brushes them aside when the fated battle commences, and it's easy.

Itachi is his big brother, a peace-loving idiot, and he forced his own brother to kill him as penance. Sasuke both loves him and hates him for it. It's a thin line, indeed. Madara paints a picture of a forgotten hero, and it's so like the little boy of his long-forgotten memories that he has little trouble swallowing it. You're a fool, he says to no one in particular. You're a fool, and I... still love you, even now. He cries, and it's foreign to him, just like the torrent of emotions that bring them forth. He opens his eyes, and the world is suddenly slower, sharper, clearer. The tears eventually dry, the emotions settle down behind a wall of apathy, and he just-

Stops. For a while, at least.

Konoha used to be his home, and it's where he's made most of his memories - good, bad, and mostly repressed. His Clan had been attempting a coup, and he can see why. The villagers are quick to judge and quicker to condemn, and of course his entire Clan had been targeted. His childhood had been full of meaningless platitudes about his losses, but all the while, they'd been relieved, _relieved_ so many men, women, and children had been slaughtered. Unmitigated fury rises within him, blocking out all sense and reason. He joins Akatsuki, and it's another stepping stone to his goals - the destruction of everyone in the Leaf village, the complete obliteration of the establishment that has caused every great tragedy in his life. It might be poetic justice. He neither knows nor cares.

Naruto is there, always on his tail, always chasing him with words of friendship and trust and home. He doesn't understand, couldn't if he wanted to. He's frightening, this boy with determined, blue eyes and a warm smile - as frightening as he is annoying, because Sasuke can no longer understand him. Why do you care so much? Why do you try so hard? Why me? He demands. The answer is ridiculous and childish and Sasuke is so, so confused. _He gets an answer_, but like everything to do with his old teammate, it makes no sense.

It takes a war and his brother, his old mentor, and the previous Hokages to make him realize that he can do better, that he can be better. He fights side by side with Naruto, and they manage to win.

Their fight was inevitable, just like his fall from grace, like his predecessor's, like the shitstorm that is his life, and even then, Naruto is determined to do things his way, come hell or high water. They both lose an arm, but he loses the battle and finally admits as much. The grin he receives in return is too bright to look at.

Despite Naruto's insistence, he exiles himself once again. He has some thinking to do - penance maybe. Sakura asks to join him and he does what he should have done ages ago: very gently lets her know that it's okay to give up on him, on their nonexistent love. She's sad and regretful and kind of heartbroken - but there's no mistaking the sheer relief in her eyes. It loosens something in his gut - guilt, he thinks, for never being able to give her what she wanted. They part on good albeit shaky terms with the promise to return at some point.

He travels and meets people and helps a good many and learns to be a person again, and it's not as lonely as he might have suspected. He rebuilds himself, piece by piece, and he instinctually knows when it's time to come home. He gets a warm welcome. Naruto is at his side, chattering nonsensically about the village and his friends and his life, Sakura is at his other side chiming in at some points and correcting Naruto's exaggeration. Kakashi is completely and utterly himself, even with the hat, and Sasuke allows himself to finally, finally relax.


	8. Loss

**L is for Loss (because revenge has _consequences_, too.)**

Sasuke adjusting to life with Orochimaru _(without Team 7)_ and finding that in some ways it's similar to grief and in other ways thinking it's almost worse.

Sasuke keeping his guard up at all times and finding it exhausting, at first. He'd done it after the massacre, kept himself closed off from the world, perfected the patented apathy of his Clan and worn it like a cloak - until Team 7. Now wearing it as a second skin.

Finding himself turning to the side, after completing some awesome technique, unconsciously looking for a reaction - jealousy, approval, admiration, irritation, _anything_ - and realizing what he's doing, aborting the movement with carefully concealed frustration.

Craving touch, of all things, at the strangest of times - a friendly one-armed hug, an aggravated punch, a hand ruffling his hair, the barest of weight on his arm, hesitant and unsure - and steadfastly ignoring the glaring sign of weakness.

Never smiling, ever, even at significant progress and finding that the movement itself is foreign to him. His default expression remaining blank and wholly unreadable.

Silence becoming his constant companion. Preferring it to silky promises and only just cordial instructions. And yet... hearing echoes of excited chatter, of gushing and chiding in turns, and of that know-it-all, smug drawl in the throes of training, in his barely lived in room, under the light of the moon.

Thinking "what are they doing now" and clenching his fists so hard they bleed - because he's not allowed to have these thoughts, has no right to care, not after severing their bond himself. Telling himself he must think "how can I get stronger" and of nothing else.

Being taunted and confronted with news of his old village at every turn, his reactions being recorded and analyzed, Sasuke Uchiha being reduced to an experiment. But he knew what he was getting into. Biting out "it doesn't concern me"s and other half-truths, walking the fine line between betrayer and victim and it becoming easier over time.

Understanding, truly understanding "me against the world" mentality and pushing on anyway because no one ever said vengeance was easy.


End file.
